When I was pregnant, It never occurred to me that I will be taking care of a baby. All I could remember was that I had to prepare myself for all the stages of pregnancy and labor. Those times were way easier than what I had coming for me. When my little boy came, I had no idea how to change his diaper or bathe him. I didn't think it through - will I be breastfeeding or formula feeding? I haven't even looked for a pediatrician for him. I had 9 months to prepare myself and it never occurred to me that babies are messy, noisy and fussy. I haven't prepared myself for this.
On the night he was born, I remember whispering to him, "We can do this, babe. You and I - we'll get better at this." I was a mess on the first nappy change, and the second, and the third, and so on. I got peed on and pooped at. It sure was messy! But since I was exclusively breastfeeding, his poop was odor-less. I also didn't plan on breastfeeding exclusively. I thought if my milk comes in and I have tons, then that's great, but if I have none, then oh well. I nursed him immediately when he came out and in an instant I knew I wanted to nurse him exclusively. It sure felt great that your baby can thrive on your milk alone. I read tons and tons of stuff online - how to give your newborn a bath, the timeline of a breastfed baby, what to ask your pediatricians, etc. They gave me ideas and perspectives.
At 4 months old, we're still getting to know each other. There are times when I seriously would just bang my head on the wall. Then there are times when I would melt with his stare. There were times I've cried while I held him and laughed when we played. I don't know if I'll be the perfect mother but I know that I'll be exactly what he needs. I don't want our relationship to be one way. I want to be friends with him. I want him to get to know me too, and not just as mommy. I hope I meet his expectations. I hope I don't disappoint him. I hope he'll grow up happy.
This vicious cycle of dirty diapers and waking up 3x at night to feed has taken me on a ride. My head is literally spinning because I'm lacking so much sleep and my sugar-level has gone down again. I'm far from the light at the end of the tunnel. I don't think I see it yet. But I know I should enjoy this. I would like to savor every bit of mothering this little boy. Because for all I know, he'll be all grown up soon. With all that said, I must learn to laugh at myself when I find myself sleepless at 4am. I must learn to look at the sunny-side of mommyhood.