So I left with my bike in the freezing Canadian weather (5 degrees and it's not even winter yet), I headed to the nearest coffee shop. The main reason why we started this was for me to have time to study the "Drivers Guide" to get my learner's permit. But it's slowly turning out into some sort of "me" time too. I got my coffee, studied and wrote a little. I was trying to stay on schedule. I had to be home in an hour. I was thinking of the time I had to leave the coffee shop so I'd get home on time. I didn't want my husband to have his hands full on his only day off. (Also, I was worried about the kids. I was wondering if he's fed them the right food. Okay, I do have separation anxiety. I might be a little too attached to my kids.)
And that's when I realized, I was so tense. I don't know how to relax anymore. I got so used to being woken up by my kids and having to give them breakfast without being fully awake. I was so used to jumping from one task to another without having a break in between. I'd be cooking dinner while nursing my youngest and then I'd rush to get the other one bathed because he had an "accident". I always just rush through one task so I can get the other one finished. So I just sat there in this coffee shop thinking of all these things, and I realized I haven't done this in a long time. I haven't done "nothing" but just sit in the longest time. There was no distraction, no entertainment, nothing. I was free from everything except the smell of coffee in my hand. And I LOVED IT. It was the best break I've had in years. I noticed the chair I was sitting on and how comfortable it was. I just soaked in the nothingness of that moment and remembered I could do this for an hour every Sunday. I was all smiles.
And then it was time to leave. I had to throw away the rest of the coffee I still had because bikes & coffees don't really go well. So I put on my helmet and paddled my way home. Despite the freezing wind, I loved my bike ride that morning. The sun was up but it wasn't warm enough. By the time I got home, my ears were frozen. I realized I didn't have the right equipment to bike on days like today. I might have to get me the right biking gear but for now, I'll stick to hoodies, scarves and gloves.
So I opened the door and was greeted with my husband carrying our sleeping 5-month-old around. My superman, or my husband, have managed to bathe them and put them down for a nap. I was impressed. He can handle them. He can handle our infant-toddler tandem. The house was quiet. So I decided to finish off a bit more on that Drivers Guide. When I was done, I went upstairs only to find out that he was studying. I was even more impressed! He has been studying for awhile now. I can't quite wrap my head around how amazing this man is. He works a full time job and still finds the time to study. He even manages to completely take on tasks at home like giving our son a bath or doing the bedtime routine with us. He takes my breath away.
Every time I look at my husband, I look at my past and wonder what I did right to deserve something so wonderful as this. But its definitely not what I've done. I didn't do anything to deserve this. I shamefully admit I am not good enough for such a blessing, but I have a God who sees me lovely despite my flaws. I have a God who loves me even when I was unlovely. And this was beyond my wildest dreams. He knows my heart's desire. And blessed me with such big dreams, it makes my heart burst. I can never be more grateful for this.