The Tapestry Project: Where are you?

Yesterday, I had a really bad start to my day. I never get enough sleep anymore because of my aching big belly (36 weeks pregnant). But that wasn't my issue. My 15-month-old son woke up too early and was just super cranky. He's never this high-maintenance. He's usually pretty easy-go-lucky. I'm not sure if it's his molars growing that's causing all this trouble. Up until a week ago, I realized I know my son so well that every move he makes and even before he makes them - I know all of it. I know exactly what he needs and even what he's thinking - until a few weeks ago. He's become such an explorer and struggles for power whenever possible. He gets in trouble and it breaks my heart to not understand what he's thinking/going through.

Yesterday, we had one of our worst mornings. He woke up at such an ungodly hour and just started crying. He refused to be comforted. I tried my best to help him, but he kicked my awfully large belly. And I just lost it. I snapped again. That's when I decided to leave him in bed, go to the bathroom and take a very deep breath. He stopped crying and started looking for me. I quickly prayed. I asked God (in the most desperate way ever) to just help me get through today. It's funny how I asked God to help me get through that day when it hasn't even yet started. I turned on some worship songs and let the rising sun seep through our blinds. Soon, my son started to calm down. I opened the window to get some fresh air. And we both felt so much better. Not long after, I was having one of the best days in weeks.

I often find myself crawling towards God in times like these. And usually, only in times like these do I run to Him. In moments when I don't need Him, I ignore Him. I pay more attention to TV shows. I admit, I don't spend enough time with Him. The only moments you will find me reading my bible is when I badly need a verse to quote.
But He has been faithful. He's been passionately pursuing me even when I run and hide. He's been calling my name from dusk till dawn. I hear him, but I don't respond. There are endless promises He's made that has come true. I have no reason for disbelief. He's always seen me through.
And I act as though, I'm the special one. I am full of shame. I don't think I'll ever be good enough to face Him. Maybe, one day. I will see Him. I am just so full of excuses. I am too tired. I don't have time. It's always about me. Why is it always about me when the reason of my existence is about Him?

I'd like to end this with a song in my head, and turn it into a prayer.

Love Song For A Savior by Jars of Clay

In open fields of wild flowers,
she breathes the air and flies away
She thanks her Jesus for the daises and the roses
in no simple language
Someday she'll understand the meaning of it all
He's more than the laughter or the stars in the heavens
As close a heartbeat or a song on her lips
Someday she'll trust Him and learn how to see Him
Someday He'll call her and she will come running
and fall in His arms and the tears will fall down and she'll pray,

"I want to fall in love with You"

Sitting silent wearing Sunday best
The sermon echoes through the walls
A great salvation through it calls to the people
who stare into nowhere, and can't feel the chains on their souls

He's more than the laughter or the stars in the heavens
As close a heartbeat or a song on our lips
Someday we'll trust Him and learn how to see Him
Someday He'll call us and we will come running
and fall in His arms and the tears will fall down and we'll pray,

"I want to fall in love with You"

It seems too easy to call you "Savior",
Not close enough to call you "God"
So as I sit and think of words I can mention
to show my devotion

"I want to fall in love with You"